Pre-Jump Earth Literature

[aestrix]

It's a new term, and the end of the break between terms most students have been enjoying. But time marches ever on, and so at 1:00 PM, just after lunch, twenty-six students all around the age of fifteen are finding seats in an obnoxiously decorated classroom. It's one of those classrooms that tries very hard to be peppy and inspirational, and only succeeds at being very out of touch, and kind of creepy.

Soon it will be time to read about things long-dead people wrote.

Comments

[poll_the_stars]

"Probably the first thing, but I can do the second. And I don't mind crying."

[thisvorlunatic]

"...What, really?"

[poll_the_stars]

"I mean. If you made me cry in front of people I'd be annoyed, but this is not in front of people? This is in a tiny out of the way study room, I can cry here without feeling the need to snarl at concerned but useless people that I am fine or deal with the awkward stares or finding a quiet corner to be left alone in until I'm out of tears. I mean, it'd. Be kind of embarrassing, I'll probably be trying desperately not to cry, but if I happen to in this environment it's not the end of the world?"

[thisvorlunatic]

"I cannot promise I won't stare awkwardly and/or hypocritically offer to hug you if you start crying about my agonizing literary interpretations."

[poll_the_stars]

"That's still - I trust you to mysteriously make yourself busy spellchecking or something if I asked you to stop awkwardly staring? And offering to hug me is fine, I'd probably accept. It's - large amounts of people doing it that makes it awful. And it's three that's the crowd, so I think we're all right."

[thisvorlunatic]

"Well, all right then."

He opens a text editor and stares meditatively at it.

[poll_the_stars]

"... So, we're doing the second thing?"

[thisvorlunatic]

"I mean, either way you're making me type it and I seem to be the one with a clearer idea of what I want to write down. Once there are words on the page maybe it'll be more obvious whether you're going to make direct contributions to the text or just help me rate its effectiveness."

[poll_the_stars]

"Sure, fair." She scoots her chair so she can see the screen.

....

(Do not pay attention to the proximity.)

[thisvorlunatic]

Miles sure doesn't seem to be paying attention to the proximity! He is absorbed in contemplating word choice, deciding on the most brutally eloquent way to deliver his perspective.

Finally he begins:

Richard, Duke of Gloucester, is a character whose experience of the world is defined by pain.

Although his description of his motivations in the opening monologue of the play reads as a transparent attempt to manipulate the audience, that doesn't necessarily make it false. And the state of mind he describes is a plausible one.

[poll_the_stars]

... Good so far, she thinks. Yvette doesn't have much to contribute, unfortunately. She doesn't have a ton of experience in this particular subject.

[thisvorlunatic]

Before continuing, he goes up to the top of the document and conscientiously adds a content warning for graphic descriptions of pervasive emotional trauma. Then he proceeds, with an intense little smile, to write.

You feel an inescapable, overwhelming loneliness. You feel an inescapable, intolerable self-loathing. You feel that you are unable to experience joy, and wouldn't deserve to if you could. You feel that nothing you can accomplish will ever make it acceptable that you exist. You feel that the very substance of your body and soul is stained with an irreparable wrongness. You feel that no one loves you, nor ever will. You feel that if things had been different, you could have been a person, but by the whims of fate you are a monster instead. You feel that never except through death will you be free of your fundamental brokenness. You feel that everyone who looks at you is staring in pity or disgust; often you feel it because it is true.

No wonder he decided evil plots were his best way forward. They didn't have licensed therapists in fifteenth-century England.

[poll_the_stars]

She does not interrupt. He seems to be quite busy, and has things under control. Nor does she cry. But - ow.

[thisvorlunatic]

Miles goes on in this vein for several more paragraphs. He is eloquent. He is unflinching. He is enjoying himself immensely, in his weird intense little way.

Then he sits back a little and looks at Yvette. "Well? How'd I do? Anything to add?"

[poll_the_stars]

"Well, I think it's beautifully written and brutally to the point and unflinching in its depictions, and also I was holding back from deleting the entire document, picking up the terminal that it was written on, and then throwing it out of an airlock." Pause. "Good job!"

[thisvorlunatic]

...Miles bursts out laughing, and turns to bow to her in his seat.

"I'll take that as high praise, thank you!"

[poll_the_stars]

She snorts. "You're welcome. Sorry I uh, couldn't help with. Any of that." She waves a hand to the screen.

[thisvorlunatic]

"You're still a perfectly functional test audience. What do you think, is Frank going to cry?"

[poll_the_stars]

"Hm. Crying, I can't guarantee, but I think he might never ask you to write anything for him ever again."

[thisvorlunatic]

"I'll take it."

[poll_the_stars]

She smiles.

...

She would like to invite him to go do something fun, she's not sure what, but she thinks he could do with some cheering up, and to be honest she'd like to go do something fun, too. But - how does she. How does she even go about asking that? It's strange and complicated and scary and she simultaneously wants to reassure him that it is Not A Date and also that dates are not out of the question just please let's not be Betan about this?

Talking to people's scary. It's easier when she can just float by on snarky comments, it's much, much harder to attempt to say something with no flow of conversation helping it sail along. Does she just. Force herself to cough up the words 'Hey want to go hang out'? ... Does she want to use the term hang out, she does not believe she does, that just. Sounds. Awkward. And 'Do you want to go to [x] with me' sounds way too... datey. For her. She - maybe kind of has a bit of a crush on him, admittedly! But this does not mean she won't completely freak the fuck out if she asks the son of the (former, she reminds herself) Regent, the guy who plays board games with the Emperor, out on a date. Even if he said yes! .... Especially if he said yes!

She has never dated before! Dating is scary! Betan whatever things are easy (if highly unsatisfying) but they don't come with the weight of two Vor doing. Any sort of courtship. Not even close. Plus he seems to have some unhandled issues that should probably be reasonably in check first and she hasn't analyzed everything involved to death and she might regret accepting that declaration to be best friends and regretting doing any sort of courtship thing with another Vor is worse and she would sort of like some time to keep being herself before she flings herself at a Vor and no really she is kind of frightened!

(At some point she has started fidgeting.)

[thisvorlunatic]

By this time Miles is rereading his essay and does not notice her fidgets. He corrects a typo and changes a wording.

[poll_the_stars]

She both does not want him to notice how she is sort of silently freaking out a bit, and also would please like him to notice and fix it. Can he do that? ... She's not sure she wants him to! She does not like the idea of needing someone else to help fix her, it's - sort of hypocritical of her, she realizes, but she doesn't.

Nnnnnrgh why are things so difficult, this is hard, she would like to just, not have things be difficult like this.

...

Okay. Stop. Stop freaking out. Stop.

She has the self control to halt this shit and re-evaluate. Freak out, you are pending results of re-evaluation.

Obviously she is Not Ready For A Relationship Right Now, if she is freaking out at just the hint of maybe going on a date with Miles. That's, she'll - not. She will not. Maybe when she is a bit more - well, a bit less this, she can possibly Attempt To Date The Cute Well-Spoken Vor. And until then she sees no reason as to why she shouldn't be his friend. She does actually want to be his friend, along with the - the confusing blurble of romantic whatever. So she can pick the just friends option without much regret. So this is now Solved. Good? Good.

Phew. Okay. Now. Does she still want to go do a fun thing?

...

Actually, no. She kind of wants to go curl up in bed for several hours and not do things, having a mild internal freak out is draining.

Well, that solves that, though she'll likely want to go do a fun thing with Miles later, for sure. Okay. That she can do. She has had friends before, if not best friends, she can handle this, sort of, if she sticks to script.

"Are you going to be busy tomorrow?" she wonders.

[thisvorlunatic]

"Well, I have a history class all morning, but my afternoon's free."

[poll_the_stars]

"Do you want to do something in the afternoon? Go be best friends?"